Is terrorism affecting your child?

Terror: noun 1. Extreme fear. "People fled in terror" synonyms: extreme fear, dread, horror, fear and trembling, fright, trepidation, alarm, panic, shock

Terror; one of the many things we want to protect our children from, yet it appears to be all around us. We see news reports about bombs, school shootings, planes coming down, innocent people being killed, the most recent event only yesterday in Brussels... you can attempt to prevent them from seeing news programmes, reading headlines on newspapers or hearing conversations about whats going on, but they hear it in the playground, from peers, siblings and I think it's neither realistic nor wise to say you can completely hide it all. So how is terrorism affecting your child? What is the best way too deal with the issue? 

This is only my opinion, and you know your child better than anyone. But if questions start being asked, it is better to try and address them. If you don't, then your child's amazingly intricate imagination will start on a journey, and it may not be a particularly nice one.

Children may become frightened when you read them scary stories or when they watch movies, learn about ghosts and big hairy monsters, and you can easily smile and respond "but it's not real". We can't say this about terrorism.  As they encounter issues like these and learn more about the big wide world, their anxiety is often very real, and we can't tell them it's not real. It is very real.   

Answer any questions as honestly and openly as possible, taking into account your child's age and using appropriate language that they will be able to understand. Try to balance your emotional response, ie not showing too much of your own fear for them to pick up and run with, and not being so lighthearted that it diminishes their very real fear. Also, if possible, try to address questions during daylight hours. Everything seems scarier at night.

Yes it's happening, and it's horrible, but the things that have happened are not near us. We as adults know the threat of terror is real and can happen anywhere, but we need to make sure our children feel safe in their own home. Give them lots of reassurance that home is the safest place to be. Build resilience, empower them, continue to have fun and play and do the things they normally do at home; if they feel secure at home, the rest will follow. 

There are very bad people in the world, they can see this, but there are many more good people.

You may feel powerless against terrorism. But by simply continuing to live your life and doing the things you would normally do is the best thing to do. These people have no right to spoil your lives or your children's lives. Don't let them. Try to rise above it all and teach your children to do the same.

If you are worried about the effect that terrorism is having on you or your child, or if you or your child is experiencing any kind of anxiety, feel free to contact me. Talking to someone else may be helpful, and your child hearing reassurances from someone else can help instil the messages from you as a parent. 

Kathrine
www.newbalancecounselling.co.uk

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

I wonder who or what this poem makes you think about.  Maybe someone you know, or maybe yourself.

It was written about a woman who felt stuck in a pattern of behaviour in terms of bad relationships. By the end of the poem she has taken responsibility for the choices she has made and decided to make changes.

On reading it, I thought it might be relevant to many people who feel stuck in a pattern of behaviour, from not being able to stop smoking or overeating, to feeling trapped, or even being depressed.

Counselling can help you work through unhelpful patterns of behaviour, and once you start seeing things differently you may realise that there is a way out of that vicious circle.

Anyway, here it is. See what you think.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless ...
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

What does your mask look like?

As Halloween approaches, I was just thinking about about what it is that people might fear the most.  A few things sprung to mind, things like spiders, flying, thunderstorms and heights. But one thing struck me as something that people may be afraid of but not realise it. Themselves.

I would say on varying levels a lot of us are facing this fear; afraid of being seen by others. In order to prevent our inner self from being seen, we might hide it by wearing a metaphorical mask when we are with others. But the mask we wear hides not only the things we think are bad, but also the beauty of who we truly are.

What would your mask look like? Would it be a true representation of who you are? What would it show the world? If you took it off, what would be exposed?

As we grow up, we are constantly being fed opinions and attitudes from other people. Some of the negative ones stick, so we might start to create a mask for ourselves, or try on different masks, in order to protect ourselves and survive. We don't want to be seen as any of the negative things that people have said about us in the past or that we think of ourselves now, such as 'failure', 'stupid', 'soft' to name just a few.

When you wear this mask, it becomes more and more uncomfortable as time goes on, but more and more difficult to remove, because people who know you only know you when you are wearing the mask.

It is important to recognise when you get older that wearing your mask brings limitations, and you may not feel as though you are living your life as the real you. You might feel trapped behind the facade and wish you could just 'be yourself'. It would be so much easier.

The fact is, it can be easier. You can remove the mask. You can acknowledge the fact that the mask you once needed to survive in the world is something you no longer need now. Why waste the rest of your life pretending to be someone you're not?  Live the life you want to live, not the life that other people expect you to live. Others live their lives being their true selves, and it doesn't matter to them what you think of them. Why should it matter to you what they think of you. 

Counselling can help you explore what's underneath the mask before braving it out in the real world. Discover the 'real you' is and accept yourself for who you are!

TRAPPED!

What does this word mean to you?

There are many different reasons why someone may feel trapped. Here are just a few:

Trapped: Stuck in a relationship that you want to escape from but can't.
Trapped: Stuck in a situation where it appears there is no way out.
Trapped: Overwhelmed with things that are happening in your life but can't see an end to it all.
Trapped: Lost in a hectic world when you can hardly even manage to wake up on a morning.
Trapped: At a complete standstill in life and feel like you don't know how to progress.
Trapped: In a stagnant job that doesn't fulfil you at all, but you don't have the courage to change.
Trapped: Unable to move forward in life due to financial difficulties.
Trapped: The feeling of having 'made your bed', now you feel you have to 'lie in it'.
Trapped: In an abusive relationship.
Trapped: Unable to live your life as the person you really want to be.
Trapped: By routine and/or responsibilities.
Trapped: Inside the body of someone you feel is not you.

As a counsellor, I can't change the situation you are in. I wish it was as simple as that. What I can do, however, is to help you understand the way you are feeling, make sense of yourself and the world around you and together we can work through it all. What may be a solution for others may not be right for you, so we would look at the best possible outcome for you in your unique situation and I would help you get there.

There is no need to struggle alone. Even if you have friends and family, it is often helpful to talk to someone who is independent of the situation you are in.

(If you are trapped and in danger right now, please call the Samaritans on 116 123 for immediate help)

Break from routine?

I came across this illustration from the wonderful Cathy Thorne and it seemed quite fitting for this time of year.

For many, both adults and children alike, the beginning of summer brings a welcome break from the regular day to day routine of school. Now, as the end of the summer holidays approach, I wonder how many will welcome that routine back into their lives. 

People naturally thrive on familiarly and comfort, and this is exactly what routine offers.

Children feel more secure when there is a certain amount of routine present in their lives, so surely as adults we must also gain a sense of the same security.

Whatever your thoughts on routine, whether you love it or hate it, it is part of all of our lives in one way or another.

Carl Rogers reflection

I'd like to share this short video of Carl Rogers, the founder of person-centred counselling, reflecting on his work. He shares with us a brief look at his own experience, and tells us how just by being himself with a client can promote change and growth for that person. By showing that person unconditional acceptance, they become free to discover, explore and unleash their potential.

This amazing man forms the basis of all of my counselling training, and I have learned so much from what I have read and seem of him.  This video provides just a miniscule glimpse into the work of thelovely, humble man that was Carl Rogers (1902-1987). 

https://youtu.be/o0neRQzudzw

Summer blues?

SAD is not reserved for the winter months, summertime depression exists. For some, there are many reasons why the summer months bring very low mood.

If you don't have much body confidence, summer time can be a nightmare. Gone are the months that you can cover up; you need to remove some layers in order to feel more comfortable in the warmer weather, but this can leave you feeling less comfortable in terms of how you feel about yourself. 

For some with low self esteem, this time of year can cause you issues. You may see more people out and about, enjoying themselves, and feel unable to join in.

Financial stress may be more of an issue than normal, for example you may have to try to find extra pennies to cover costs such as childcare if you are a working parent, or feeling the need to book a holiday, after all, you may need one!

Even the worries of going on holiday can be overwhelming for some, if you manage to get one. Fear of flying, worries of being away from home and of course concern after recent terrorist attacks are just some of the things that may be cause for anxiety.

If you're a non-working parent, the thought of trying to fill the summer months (or weeks as the case may be) with things to do, feeling the need to entertain children or just getting through the six weeks holiday without any scars from sibling rivalry battles! You don't have to be the 'perfect' parent!

Then there are plenty of environmental factors that can lead some to feel low. If you are affected by hayfever, don't cope well with heat or humidity, or the light nights and mornings are preventing you from getting the sleep you need, all may have an impact on your general feeling of wellbeing.

If you have experienced the loss of someone close, whether through bereavement or relationship breakdown, summer time may be a painful reminder of happier times shared together.

I'm sure there are many other reasons besides these that may make summer difficult for some.
If you are affected by any of these issues, you don't have to shrug it off. Help is here if you are finding it difficult to get through the summer. Counselling can help you cope.