What does your mask look like?

As Halloween approaches, I was just thinking about about what it is that people might fear the most.  A few things sprung to mind, things like spiders, flying, thunderstorms and heights. But one thing struck me as something that people may be afraid of but not realise it. Themselves.

I would say on varying levels a lot of us are facing this fear; afraid of being seen by others. In order to prevent our inner self from being seen, we might hide it by wearing a metaphorical mask when we are with others. But the mask we wear hides not only the things we think are bad, but also the beauty of who we truly are.

What would your mask look like? Would it be a true representation of who you are? What would it show the world? If you took it off, what would be exposed?

As we grow up, we are constantly being fed opinions and attitudes from other people. Some of the negative ones stick, so we might start to create a mask for ourselves, or try on different masks, in order to protect ourselves and survive. We don't want to be seen as any of the negative things that people have said about us in the past or that we think of ourselves now, such as 'failure', 'stupid', 'soft' to name just a few.

When you wear this mask, it becomes more and more uncomfortable as time goes on, but more and more difficult to remove, because people who know you only know you when you are wearing the mask.

It is important to recognise when you get older that wearing your mask brings limitations, and you may not feel as though you are living your life as the real you. You might feel trapped behind the facade and wish you could just 'be yourself'. It would be so much easier.

The fact is, it can be easier. You can remove the mask. You can acknowledge the fact that the mask you once needed to survive in the world is something you no longer need now. Why waste the rest of your life pretending to be someone you're not?  Live the life you want to live, not the life that other people expect you to live. Others live their lives being their true selves, and it doesn't matter to them what you think of them. Why should it matter to you what they think of you. 

Counselling can help you explore what's underneath the mask before braving it out in the real world. Discover the 'real you' is and accept yourself for who you are!

Carl Rogers reflection

I'd like to share this short video of Carl Rogers, the founder of person-centred counselling, reflecting on his work. He shares with us a brief look at his own experience, and tells us how just by being himself with a client can promote change and growth for that person. By showing that person unconditional acceptance, they become free to discover, explore and unleash their potential.

This amazing man forms the basis of all of my counselling training, and I have learned so much from what I have read and seem of him.  This video provides just a miniscule glimpse into the work of thelovely, humble man that was Carl Rogers (1902-1987). 

https://youtu.be/o0neRQzudzw

Summer blues?

SAD is not reserved for the winter months, summertime depression exists. For some, there are many reasons why the summer months bring very low mood.

If you don't have much body confidence, summer time can be a nightmare. Gone are the months that you can cover up; you need to remove some layers in order to feel more comfortable in the warmer weather, but this can leave you feeling less comfortable in terms of how you feel about yourself. 

For some with low self esteem, this time of year can cause you issues. You may see more people out and about, enjoying themselves, and feel unable to join in.

Financial stress may be more of an issue than normal, for example you may have to try to find extra pennies to cover costs such as childcare if you are a working parent, or feeling the need to book a holiday, after all, you may need one!

Even the worries of going on holiday can be overwhelming for some, if you manage to get one. Fear of flying, worries of being away from home and of course concern after recent terrorist attacks are just some of the things that may be cause for anxiety.

If you're a non-working parent, the thought of trying to fill the summer months (or weeks as the case may be) with things to do, feeling the need to entertain children or just getting through the six weeks holiday without any scars from sibling rivalry battles! You don't have to be the 'perfect' parent!

Then there are plenty of environmental factors that can lead some to feel low. If you are affected by hayfever, don't cope well with heat or humidity, or the light nights and mornings are preventing you from getting the sleep you need, all may have an impact on your general feeling of wellbeing.

If you have experienced the loss of someone close, whether through bereavement or relationship breakdown, summer time may be a painful reminder of happier times shared together.

I'm sure there are many other reasons besides these that may make summer difficult for some.
If you are affected by any of these issues, you don't have to shrug it off. Help is here if you are finding it difficult to get through the summer. Counselling can help you cope.

Ten tips for an emotionally healthy Christmas

10 tips on how to deal with Christmas emotions

Depression is a common illness. It will affect one in five people during their lifetime. Feelings of hopelessness, tiredness, low self-esteem, sleeping problems and physical aches and pains are just some of the symptoms associated with depression. For many, Christmas can be a depressing time, and can be difficult to cope with for many reasons.

With the festive season already fast approaching, some will be out celebrating with friends and families and preparing for Christmas, but others will be starting to feel the added stresses associated with it. These may include financial strains, unrealistic demands placed on you by others and feelings of sadness associated with those dark nights. Memories of loved ones and times gone by are evoked, and feelings of loss can become magnified.

If you are worried about how Christmas might affect you, it can help to be prepared.

1 Plan ahead
If you are worried about being alone, find out what is going on in your area. Are there any drop-in centres, support groups or other community resources available over Christmas? Perhaps a Christmas craft class or local community walk? Check local newspapers or the internet for inspiration. Try to find out as early as possible what’s out there. Also, see whether there is a good day or time for you to visit friends or relatives. Reconnect with people you haven’t seen for a while.
If, on the other hand, you are worried about being overwhelmed at family events, think ahead about which you feel you could go to, and which you will be able to make your apologies for. It is ok to say ‘no’. People understand how busy the Christmas period can be, and if they don’t like your decision, then it is their problem to deal with, not yours. They will get over it. If you really feel obliged to attend something and can’t manage a ‘get out’, just go for a short time, wish everyone a merry Christmas and then leave early.

2 Set financial boundaries
This can be regarding spending money on gifts or social occasions. Make sure you set yourself a budget and try your best to stick to it. Make cut backs on the people you buy for. If you feel as though some presents you buy have just become a habit, why not approach the person and suggest a mutual break in buying each other a present this year as you are trying to cut back, and you may find that they feel relieved about this and both of you feel happier. Take some pressure off yourself and let people know in advance that you will not be spending much this year.

3 Acknowledge your feelings
Whether they be worry, sadness, isolation, stress or pressure and you will be able to deal with them in a more pro-active way. By denying your feelings, you may push the problems away, but you won’t make them disappear. By recognising and acknowledging your feelings, these problems won’t bubble underneath the surface, and suddenly strike when you least expect them to.

4 Don’t surrender to the ‘perfect Christmas’ pressure
Do Christmas your own way, make it your own, not how expensive marketing campaigns think you should, or how other family members or friends do it. The pressure to do things as others expect is unrealistic. TV ads and glossy magazines can make you feel guilty and such a failure if you don’t buy their new and expensive products that will make your Christmas ‘perfect’. You can’t please everyone, it is impossible to keep everyone else happy so don’t burden yourself with that responsibility.

5 Embrace the cold 
There are many excuses you can use not to get outside and exercise; it’s too cold, you are too full of Christmas food, you just don’t feel like it, etc. But there are many more reasons to just do it. Going for a walk in the fresh air gives you a boost, clears your head, makes you feel better in yourself, gets you vitamin D from the sun, gets you some exercise and above all, boosts your endorphin levels, the body’s natural antidepressants. Do something for yourself that doesn’t cost anything.

6 Help others less fortunate
Volunteer to help someone. Help deliver presents for your local Santa or help at a homeless shelter. Altruism and volunteerism make you feel better about yourself, but they also get you out of your rut, home and isolation. This is a time of year where the spirit of helping and compassion is right there, and if you can tap into it by helping others, then you will also be helping yourself.

7 Remember and reflect
It can be a time of intense emotional struggle at this time of year for anyone who has suffered a bereavement either recently or in the past. There is no right or wrong about how you should be feeling or what you should be doing. Whatever feels right for you is ok. Acknowledge the fact it is going to be a difficult time. Maybe hang an ornament in memory of a loved one, mount a photo of them in a Christmas frame. Allow yourself time to reflect and to cry when you feel sad, but then also allow moments of joy to creep in. Look after yourself.

8 Try to think a little on the positive side
Remember to try to be grateful for the things you do have in life, rather than focussing on the things you don’t have. This can be very difficult if you do feel depressed, but it can help if you just try to see the positive side to things, no matter how small and insignificant they may seem.

9 Keep a journal
Some find that writing about their feelings in diary form can help. If you decide to do this, don’t be afraid to really go there. People who write about their deepest feelings when they are upset or emotional are less depressed, less anxious and more positive about people who write mundane everyday things.

10 Access help and support
Don’t be afraid to get help. Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. This may be a friend or family member, a counsellor or perhaps your GP. You may be feeling sad and tired, but you probably still look the same to those around you. Unless you tell someone how you feel, they might not understand what is wrong. A listening ear is an important treatment for depression. Use this time as an opportunity to really look at what is going on for you, so that in the future, you will be able to deal with things more effectively when this time of year comes around again.

Counselling can be as short or long term as you need. It can provide you with that extra bit of emotional support that could just be all you need to help you get through the darker months. Allow yourself some time to take stock of how you are feeling in order that you cope with Christmas in the best way you can.